顔 • k a o

Hmm.

I've been thinking about my appearance alot lately...well, not like that's new or anything..

I noticed that I seriously look at myself everytime I walk past something with a reflection haha. I worry a lot about looking strange or dumb..or just how I don't want to look. I'm really self concious when I feel my hair's messed up (even though hardly anyone can tell or cares..), or when my pants are too baggy and the lay on my leg really weird or if there's a pimple or something strange on my face..etc. Besides that though, there's always a way I like to look..like I want to look like myself. like..'myself' whoever that may be. And whenever I don't look like 'myself', I feel really odd and I feel like everyone feels that odd feeling as well.

But I wonder..if it's not taking over my life..and if I'm not heavily effected by it, is it wrong to.."dress up"? I mean, lots of the clothes I wear...actually..ok. The reason why I wear certain clothes is because it's confortable, convenient, and I like how it makes me look. I don't care about what's "in" or what everyone thinks is cool, in fact, I try to stay away from stuff like that. I tend to not like what "everyone" is wearing. Nike..EVERYONE seems to be wearing DC now..vans...though some of those things may be nice, I just feel like me wearing it is telling everyone "I want to fit in"..but I just want to be me.

But what is 'me'? Think about this..who do we dress for? The purpose of clothes is to stay comfortable in certain types of weather..Though otherwise, we may just like things like..jackets have pockets in the front..that's like, the best hah. And w.e else stuff like that. But who do we dress for? If you weren't going to see a single person for a week..how would you dress?

You could go out naked for all anyone cared and it wouldn't make one difference. If no one saw us, what would we wear?

Who are we dressing for?

Hm..

Is it like a first impression thing? like.."well these people don't 'know' me so I'll give them a taste with how I dress" ..that seems like a valid reason..makes sense. It reminds me of putting up a face. Not necessarily in a bad way. I think almost everyone in this world puts up a face. When you see someone you're not particularly excited to see..of course it goes, "ooh hi! how are you doing? :D" with a big smile and squinty eyes to make them feel missed and whatnot. I do that too..But thinking about it..if I was TOTALLY m y s e l f . like, I didn't care about what that person thought about me or felt and I just wanted to be who I felt like being..I probably wouldn't even say anything to that person. And if I did I would just be like "hey what's up." in a neutral voice.

Hm..really makes me wonder.

I dunno what's wrong or right about any of this, I'm just writing. I dunno.

WRAH. hello.

Chocolate.

I get sooooo freaking inspired late at night.

It's not even funny.

But now I must sleep.

Mata, ne...チョコレート.

But you'll be back.

when I can take it.

End of the line.

I'm stuck.


Stuck?

Yeah...stuck..

Do you know where you are?

End of the line...

connection's been cut short..

Such a long journey too..

Yeah..

So..I'm stuck..

Nowhere to go..

I'm looking out at this huge place. I see nothing.

Where to go?

It's the most important one.....but it's gone.

I need another to step along to. I need another. But no, not you.

Of course not you. I'm not going to take another false step. I'm going to wait until my remaining line comes around.

But for now..

I'm stuck.

..

max out.

Just got back from watching America's Best Dance Crew Episode...6 I think.

Freak..it's really awesome seeing those guys do what they do out there. I love watching that show not just because of how cool the dancing looks or how pretty some of the girls are (...) but it's just really awesome seeing these crews give their hardest from week to week, improving going through hard times and despite everything giving it all they've got. It really inspires me when I see someone go aaalll out. Maxing out to their utmost potential. It inspires me soo much. Especially when it comes to art. And anyone who says dancing isn't aren't I promise you you're mistaken. Art to me is an expression of one's self, art is a person's personality shown through barious types of things. And if anything, dancing is one of the most direct (raw?) forms of expression. It's just being yourself.

(Anyway) It's just really cool seeing them up there..And the heart and the..the way they go about it being a competition...last night I was up super late (haha) watching like behind the scenes videos and stuff like that and you could see that all of the crews were like suuuuper cool with each other. You had some people from one team doing some other guys HAIR. Other people talking, hanging out. I was really surprised. Cus most of the time in situations like that you'd think it's like a..a COMPETITION right? So it's like "wrah, we're gonna beat you guys" but theyre totally cool with eachother. So ontop of them giving it their all, I don't even think theyre competing against the other crews, but theyre competing with their own selves, making sure they do their best.

I was really sad to see Supreme Soul lose. Not that I think another team deserved it or anything like that but, seeing someone try sooo hard and really give it their best to be met with the label of 'Failing' supposedly..it's so sad.

But anyone who runs into a situation like that should know that they did give it their all and they definately did not fail. Only person you should need to prove yourself to is yourself. Not America..not the judges, if you need to prove yourself to your friends, I don't know what kind of friends you've got. You're parents..do your best and they'll come around some day.

Wrah.

So inspiring.

LOVEIT.


Now I don't know who to vote for...fanny pak...soreal....D:

始まります・ h a j i m a r i m a s u

So, I've been thinking lately..

Thinking is good, sometimes.

And as I'm thinking, I'm starting to realize how lazy I am..

I am a really lazy person.

Especially considering how determined and motivated I had been when I was younger..I really got into a lot of stuff. I would come home everyday after school (yeah, that doesn't happen anymore..) and sit at my computer animating or working on a website untill I went to sleep. I was always learning new stuff, getting into a variety of things. Now..I guess I've gotten so used to not being able to do those things (being busy with stuff) it's hard to me to stop and just consentrate on something..Hard to get enough motivation to stick with one thing. And there's so much stuff I can do too.

So now, even though it's summer, I wake up and I'm sitting here at my desk for seriously the whole day..but I never really get much done.

So I've decided. きめたんだ！I've decided to stop being a lazy fool and do what needs to be done. I've got a lot of potential to do a lot of things and a lot of expectations but I'm not gonna get anywhere going the speed I am. And I've got a lot of catching up to do as well..

So that's that.
こちらは「ジャストデぃュイット」のはじめ。

Lost.

Disheartening.

That's the word that comes to mind.

Thats the feelings laying accross my chest.

When the one thing you've put your everything into. Your biggest hopes. Your complete trust. You're everything.

When the one and only thing you've given your life to walks away from you.when the one and only thing tells you, 'sorry, you've got the wrong person.' ..when the one and only thing drops you half way and continues on its way..

Disheartening.

That's the pressure laying across my chest.

In a search for truth..answers come from every direction. Answers wrong. Answers right. Answers left, even.

It's hard to see through those left answers. Through those wrong answers. When they make so much sense. How could it not be? But hold on. It makes absolutely no sense. That's not right..

So much confusion about something I thought I knew so well. Something I'd die for. Something I'd live for. Where have you gone? Or is it..where have I gone?

Where am I?

Laying in a desert. Laying in a field with flowers. Turned to dust. Laying in a forest, shielded by the tall trees that stretch to the sky. Turned to nothing.

Where am I?

Where are you..?

Save me.






Cus right now..


I'm just