Kayoubi no Asa

N-102.

before school.

I sit, browsing random websites on the computer, wishing the first bell wouldn't ring causing me to go to my first period.

Sitting.

thinking about the rest of the day. So many things.

crossing through my head.

Worries, concerns, possibilities, probabilities, hope, doubt, fantasy, confusion, revelation.

Hmm.

hmm...

You know what gives a really odd feeling to think about?

Me, right now, typing this blog. That's going to be gone in a day.

what?

I mean.

You, reading this right now is going to be nothing but a memory in a few years, if even that. Me, sitting in this room waiting for school to start with tamura trying to figure stuff out on his computer and joel searching through his bag. This whole moment. What is it going to be when I'm 25, sitting in an office and working on a project?

Hmm.

Who knows.

Omoi

The third time he said to him, "Simon son of John, do you love me?"
Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, "Do you love me?" He said, "Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you."

Do I really love you?

That's what I ask myself..

I want to be able to say in confidence, "You know I love you." Not because everyone around me is saying it. Not because it's part of the lyrics of a song I like. But because I truely, honestly do.

I want to love. I want to love with all of my whole being. But..not only what does that look like..but am I even ready to surrender myself to that? Sometimes I feel really..bad..cus it seems that I'm not even willing to give my whole heart to God. I feel like I'll only give as much as what's comfortable. And I'll even go beyond that. But it's really difficult to give ALL. I want to...that's for sure..cus I know what God has for me is soo much greater than what I or the world can give myself. I want to give my whole heart to God. Something that's so..so great and wonderful. I just want to want to with all my heart as well...

But..what's great is that God doesn't want to keep that heart from me. The heart that is willing to give everything. God has it for me and all I need to do is ask right?

I know God's hand is reaching out, I just need to meet him halfway.

Hmm..

Let my heart love.