Chocolate Figures of Speech

How will I move forward?

2011-07-27T05:03:00.000-10:00

I think there's two things in particular that makes me want to grab my 'self' out of my chest and put it somewhere useful.

In other words, these two things inspire me and I feel I can relate to these things to a crazy extent.

That's language and communication. Understanding people, exploring life? That's one thing that makes me desire to be in Japan.

And then, creativity. Something about a person expressing themselves through some kind of special, unique creative means just feels, right. Like that's what a person is meant to do..express their-self.

And it makes me want to do it. So much.

Let me think a bit..

Do I trust him?

2011-07-27T04:51:00.000-10:00

But then I realized
that that's not the reason I believe.

It's in the person
where my faith lies.

The question then comes to
this.

How about it?

Something about these early-morning nights.

2011-07-24T20:06:00.002-10:00

There's a lot of things in the world that I don't understand.

There's a lot of things in my life that I don't understand.

But these days continue to roll on forward.

The sun will come up, and there another day will begin.

There's a lot of things that I don't understand.

But I have to keep moving.

Cus that's what I'm here for.

1

2011-05-05T06:14:00.002-10:00

One of the few things than can make me cry:

being reminded of the Love of God

Just a thought.

2010-05-03T00:03:00.000-10:00

Family is a strange concept to me.

I mean, I have one of those.

But my relationship with "family" is different than the image one would create for the idea.

The way we interact with each other is . . for lack of the motivation to find a better word, different.

And thinking about it..

I see the members of my extended family about once a year, and it's been that way or a very long time.

I wonder how these things effect me....

Just a thought.

What makes a person's day?

2010-02-21T01:06:00.000-10:00

What screws up a day?

What makes a person trip and fall to the ground?

What makes it all worth it?

Where does a person's joy come from?

Where is the drive to move on? To take the step after the last one taken.

When does this happiness come?

How long does it last?

Where does this happiness come from?

What makes it all worth it?

< / thoughtblast >

is my prayer • is my Llife

2010-01-25T23:59:00.000-10:00

..

I'm left in a daze.

if that's the right word.

I'm stunned. Left to sit in my seat, with this feeling ready to rip through my chest.

Such a thing I cannot understand.

..

I'm unable to understand and don't believe I will ever reach the point of being able to do so. It is quite possible also that I shouldn't desire to understand.

..

Yes, maybe that is how you would expect me to feel.

But no, I'm actually not angry at God.

Not at all.

I know God loves the people that inhabit the Earth. Why or how? I don't understand. But that He does, this I know.

God's message is the same for all. But all would have it their own way and draw their own world in the way that they see best for them.

This is why the world today is what it is.

But God's message is the same for all.

Some may not take hold of it.

I would wish for His message to get through. Not only His message, but Himself. To get through to these people.

So that these events may be avoided.

So that they would know, experience, and love Life.

That this Life would spill over, spread into the cracks and folds of the earth, into the hearts of every individual..

And that they would grab hold of it..know it..and love it..

As I Come Across: New Blog

2010-01-16T18:10:00.000-10:00

changingblogswhat?!

Not quite.

In an effort to stay productive (..a.k.a. keep myself from falling into the pit of laziness), I'm going to start a new blog. It's actually been in existance for quite some time now, idk how long hah. But I have yet to post in it.

It's called "As I Come Across" and it's purpose will be to share things that, as the name suggests, I come across through my travels around the internet. It'll be things like inspiring videos, crazy technology updates, incredible musicians and other things like that. Stuff that I enjoy or get a kick out of and would like to share with other people so they can get some kicks in there as well.

The reason I thought to do this such a long time ago was because my "links" part of my facebook profile was gaining pages and whenever I look back at things I posted, I think that it would be nice to have a full like.....a complete presentation of whatever it was.

So yeah anyway. I'm going to do that.

Soon.

Waiting

2010-01-14T21:07:00.000-10:00

Like a vase without it's love to store inside.

A vase with a gaping, empty hole in it's core.

It is painfully easy to feel the wind sweeping around the inner walls of it's body.

It is constantly reminded that no one is home.

Empty?

This taunting wind needs to stop.

Reason to Cry.

2010-01-14T20:57:00.000-10:00

A reason to cry.

A load of entangled clothes piled on top of your self, crowding your movement, keeping you from progressing forward; intruding your vision, making it hard to see the line that you've been following all this time.

A small bell, ringing faintly in the distance in a consistent, slowly paced rhythm. Every time it sounds you flinch because the note hits at an unexpected sensitive point in your emotions.

How should one take on such a challenge..

Weight. Pressure. Vulnerability. Trust. Hope. Security.

Sleep?

sleep...

(Original Date: Thur 1/14 3:11AM)

time realignment

2009-11-08T01:59:00.003-10:00

It's strange how I sometimes get into these moods where I just feel like doing everything I should be doing; where I feel like I'm just in my right mind.

It's even more strange that this always seems to happen an hour after I wish I was already sleeping....

...

z0MG NEWPOST!1!1!11!! • I know

2009-10-01T21:40:00.003-10:00

Hmm..

I wonder why it is that whenever I have a bunch of time to do stuff, I seem to be the most unmotivated and uninspired. But as SOON as a bunch of unwanted tasks get thrown in front of me, I seem to want to do EVERYTHING and am really bummed that I can't create and do as I would like to.

I've come to the conclusion that (1) That's just the way it is. (2) That sucks. BUT (3) Instead of sitting here trying to somehow make myself inspired+motivated (I think you need both), when the load of unwanted business abruptly knocks on my window, I'm going to just deal with it as I should, right away and productively so that I can get to those things that I want to do.

Maybe business inspires me. It seems like such a curse..but maybe God put this in me to get me to the point of 100% productiveness. Maybe I'll become a master at this and in the future I'll be like one of those guys that people look at and say, "how the heck do you do so much all the time?!?! You're crazzzy." And then the other guy will be like, "You're a jerk." and I'll be like, "I know."

Haha.

no.

So yeah. Maybe it's a good thing. Maybe I should find something aside from what I THINK I should be doing with my free/chill time and do that and when the junk comes rollin in I'll be the one getting the high scores :)

Random List of Albums That Amaze Me:
Advantage Lucy - Echo Park
Bombay Bicycle Club - I Had The Blues But I Shook Them Off [at least the first half]
Bloc Party - Silent Alarm
CONDOR44 - Goodbye 44th Music

These are the albums that make me say, "Dude, this is IT o m g" and make me want to explode with goodness.

So yeah, anyway.

This post was supposed to be like, one sentence long.

Deep Sea Diving.

2009-07-22T01:35:00.002-10:00

So,

Had another 'Transformation Mililani' meeting today.

The question was asked, "So what books have you been reading lately?"

A few people shared about what book they've recently read or have been reading and talked about the different points of the book and things they learned from it and how they've seen things differently..

I almost had the mind to let them know that I was reading a book called Finally Alive by John Piper. My first thoughts were, "What if someone's given them weird ideas about John Piper? I don't want to look like one of those hard core, 'you're wrong about everything', judgmental kind of guys", especially since I didn't say very much in general. But that's beyond the point. I tried to shake that worry off. (By the time I decided on whether I would say something about it or not, things kind of just moved on so it didn't matter in the end)

What that made me think about..was that when I take in information and stuff, I tend to just agree. I read, feel enlightened, agree..and lots of times, that's where it ends. I tell people "If you don't get anything from the message than you might as well have not heard it" But can that be said to me too? What am I even doing? Listening to all of these podcasts and reading these books if I just expect it to subconsciously seep into my personality and understanding and not even try to recall the things I read.

Am I being hypocritical, nodding my head at things, shaking my head at things as if I really know. Maybe I'm just thinking on a general level, and in that sense, most of the things said don't apply to me and I'm right for nodding my head. But if I go deeper than that, a lot of what is said can be directed right at me. If I take it to the next level, sermons targeted at non-believers can probably eat at my own heart, putting me at fault.

But anyway..from now on, I should make sure I understand what I read in such a way that I will be able to recall the things that were pointed out, and relate it to my own life and I should seek God about it so that it won't just be me agreeing with the author but it will be God shaping me and molding me; correcting me, revealing things to me that will change me.

I mean, I'm not reading for fun.

I'm reading for my health.

:)

a feeling too familiar.

2009-07-20T23:51:00.002-10:00

I wonder why I feel so restless. I feel like there is something I MUST do. Something inside of me must be met with its matching shape. Something in me must be realized. But I can't figure out what to do. I feel like doing everything, but nothing at all.

What a messy place to be.

I feel like there must be all the time in the world available but none at all.

It feels like I must go. I must get off my seat and run towards my life. Run towards the destination that will make me who I am; that will make me complete.

Yet, I don't know in which direction to make the first step.

None of the familiar places of rest settle my anxious mind.

Like a child, sitting in a room, in a place that is of no interest to him, waiting for the moment the doors will open so hey can dash out into the light, where he wants to be.

Where should I go?

What should I do?

Who should I see?

Is this what you call boredom...or is this something that travels beyond the surface?

Growth, maybe?

2009-07-15T15:28:00.000-10:00

I think I need to get myself into the habit of writing more often.

Anyway,

I'm beginning to realize the different aspects of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and how it can be realized as a whole.

Or something like that.

A while ago I discovered the Gospel. What it was, how it worked, what it meant. It was a great discovery. It changed a lot...inspired a lot. But as far as I understood it, it was solely through preaching. Through the truth of scripture and scripture being taught. I thought it was just something that had to rely on being heard and brought to life through words, a message, a sermon.

But..what about when the sermon is over? What about where words can't be spoken? What exists then?

Simply trying to lead them to a place where they can re-listen to the words once more to make it more real? A never ending cycle to get back to one aspect though we're living on multiple sides.

Imbalance?

Maybe there's more to the Gospel.

I've come to find out that any born again christian can listen to as many messages as they want but there will still be something missing. God has put many things in place for his people so that they may be filled and live in the Gospel of Christ.

The Gospel should not only be heard, but lived out; shared with others; brought to life. It's more like a prism..rather than a simple flashlight. ..or something.

Anyway, to the point, you can have all the facts down, but don't disregard the rest of what God has put in place just for us to grow.

It's late and my brain isn't working how I would like it to be..

Choppy Thought Processing.

But do you ever seem to just not get an answer?

2009-06-24T23:40:00.003-10:00

Do you ever get those moments,

where you just have to stop and ask your self,

"What the heck is wrong with me..?"

Why do I do these things?

Why can't I pull myself away from this messy room.

Why can't I get my foot un-stuck from under this stupid rock?

How did it even get stuck?

What the heck is this rock even doing here?

I need to hurry up and get un-stuck so I can move the heecck onnn. I have places to go..things to do.

Things to take care of.

So just leave me alone, please.

Let me move on....

with my Life...

..

Christian?

2009-05-22T21:42:00.002-10:00

たくさん欲しい

2009-05-08T21:41:00.003-10:00

I come again without a topic in mind. I've come simply to write.

What kind of life am I living?

Am I living?

What does it mean to live?

My desire is to do the work of God. I want God to move me to spread light around the dark areas of this canvas. All of the areas that I am able to reach.

But I'm such a stubborn guy. I want, but I won't move. I search..but when I find the door, I'm too scared of what's on the other side. I'm scared at the possibility of pulling a muscle when I go to pull the door open. Or maybe I might trip and fall over. Or what if this isn't the right door?

Hmm..

I'm such a lazy guy. I want to be............I want to be. Someone. Something. Somewhere. But I won't move. My eyes that see don't seem to be enough to move my body.

What needs to happen?

I wonder.

I want to become.

Lord, may I be made into that one?

Would you move me? Change me?

I want to...

I pray that I may cry for them with my life.

2009-04-28T18:04:00.006-10:00

I was going to elaborate and make this post more clear.......but I changed my mind.

[link removed...]

I just received Otsuka Ai's latest album in the mail today. I found it for super cheap on ebay and this one comes with DVD's of all of her new PVs (music videos) too. I was super happy.

I uploaded all the songs and then put in the DVD. I watched this video and something in my heart was struck.

...

"I cry because..

I watch these people..I watch this person set up such a wonderful scene of peace and joy between people; something you rarely see in the world today. You see a group of people in the midst of some kind of love.

But the sad thing is is that these people may never see love.

And what's worse, they may suffer for all eternity because no one lead them to the love required to live.

For these people to be separated from the love their soul yearns to be apart of for all of eternity..

what a horrible thing.

We must be reminded that these people aren't innocent. No one is innocent. But God still has his forgiveness and mercy..his love available to them.

What a horrid thing that no one would spread this word to them.

What a sad picture..

I must share the love God has given me. Give them the chance to accept Christ and receive the thing they have so longed for. They don't deserve it, but here it is, offered to them.

Lord give me wings to make it to them. To reach all with what you have given.

Help me.

Please."

Life?

2009-04-23T11:22:00.002-10:00

So, I'm sitting in my ICS class right now. We finished the "projects" we were working on and have extra time. I just decided to write something. Because writing is good. Most of the time.

Life has been interesting lately. Things have been changing. I've been changing. Getting out of high school and just thinking about my life as it is right now has made me really confused. Not the kind of confusion that can be solved with a simple equation and an answer. But something a bit more complex than that. Like, a rolled-up rug with a bunch of unknown items jumbled inside that needs to just be laid out flat so all the objects can be sorted through and figured out.

I have so many questions..questions about life. About MY life. About myself. About others. About myself and others.

Feels like the world is keeping something from me. Like it's hiding essential parts of life from me so that I won't be able to function correctly. So that I'll always have a fault in my steps.

Where am I going?

Though on the other hand, parts of me seem to be doing well. I'm learning a lot. Realizing a lot. Growing in ways that I've longed to for a long time.

But it feels incomplete. Feels like it's missing.

Maybe it's like this..

This morning..no wait. Last night I went to Burger King with Dustin. I got iced tea, thinking that it would be sweetened..like it always is. And yeah, it wasn't.

I wound up not drinking too much of it and took it home with me to save for when I felt like putting sugar in it. So this morning I woke up with a not so pleasant taste in my mouth. (Has anyone read Bee-Season? hahahaha) So I got out the iced tea.

Drinking it made me think. Okay, this is..unsweetened tea. It's strange because..it totally tastes like tea. Like, totally. But there's something missing. something that somehow isn't right. Something's missing. It still has that..'ness' that makes it tea but something's not..right.

Sugar is what it's missing. But what is sugar that makes it so different?

I'm thinking perhaps that's how I am right now. I'm not just a cup of water any more..I've become tea. There's definitely a difference between water and tea; between then and now. And this tea is so wonderful. But after being tea for a while I feel like something is missing. And you'd think that the tea part is what you would be missing but it's totally there. So then what's up?

I wonder.

Anyway.

I need to be a more organized person. Just, in the things I do daily. I want to make sure I make time to do everything I need to do and want to do. I don't want to waste time anymore. I've gotten too skillful in that. I'm thinking of starting to study with people. Like..shoot I don't know.

MY LIFE IS TOO DANG BORING RIGHT NOW! >:|

dang is a weird word.

>:|

2009-04-15T00:35:00.002-10:00

Girls don't realize what they do when they let that cloth drift downwards.

They don't know the damage they cause when they let it show.

Seriously, cover it up.

I don't need to see that.

dnitytei? 私は。。誰だろう？

2009-04-05T01:50:00.002-10:00

Where is security found.

Where do I put my security?

Did I leave it in the clothes basket?

Maybe under the sink.

What do I put my security in?

Did it get stuck in the mirror?

I might have seen it in the fridge.

Where is security found?

Where do I find my comfort?

Perhaps I should change the way I'm sitting.

Let me call and ask some friends.

Where do I see myself?

where did you go

Where did I see myself?

Where am I?

Let me break away from these things. Break apart from this self that I've made myself out to be.

I need to get myself together. Pick up the scattered pieces. Where from? Where else?

Where else...

Corrected Vision.

2009-04-03T19:44:00.001-10:00

I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you by the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel—which is really no gospel at all. Evidently some people are throwing you into confusion and are trying to pervert the gospel of Christ. But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach a gospel other than the one we preached to you, let him be eternally condemned! As we have already said, so now I say again: If anybody is preaching to you a gospel other than what you accepted, let him be eternally condemned!

Love.

2009-03-30T23:55:00.002-10:00

And you might be saying,

"This is the only thing I've got. This is all the love there is for me."

But let me tell you,

you don't know the love there is for you.

You don't know Love, just yet.

So I ask you, Please turn around. Look ahead. See what's coming. Run.

Because you don't know Love, just yet.

目を開けて。　見てよ。

2009-01-08T13:31:00.005-10:00

I've been noticing lately..

There is a lot of people in this world.

Wow.

A lot of people.

And they're all different. All of them. Okay, well, most of them.

People come from different places, have been brought up in different ways, people believe in a lot of different things.

It's amazing how human relations are. How we can build relationships with people. Forget where we all came from and accept each other. Become each other. Love each other.

It's amazing how some stay within themselves. Rejecting all outside interferences. Rejecting life. Rejecting all else. "I am my own god."

How do we love those people...who do not wish for love in the slightest. How do we love those who despise the thought of everything you stand for. How do we love?

Also.

How do we redirect people into the love we know to be true? Many people have what they call love. what they call truth. what they call sufficiency.

but what is love?

what is contentment?

what is this..truth?

I think it's something for everyone to find.

But it's so far from our selves, contrary to what we would all like to believe.

It is in one place for all to see.

Let us open our eyes.

Let our eyes be opened.

Let us see You.

Amen.

Merry Christmas :o

2008-12-23T11:27:00.002-10:00

Just want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas. Hope your guys' break is all going well and stuff. I still don't know what to do for my family ¬_¬

There's an 85% chance I'm just going to make them a card or something. Bleh. Sucks not having money.

:O

:D

:X

Inspiration?

2008-12-13T23:32:00.002-10:00

Inspiration?

You know what's the most inspiring?

People.

I think a significant amount of people's motivation comes from people.

Motivational people.

People that do

People that want.

--

Where have all the cowboys gone?

What's an amazing artist?

2008-12-06T19:22:00.003-10:00

Was thinking.

What makes an artist..amazing?

Potential? Talent? Crazy Ideas?

Possibly.....

but I think something is possibly being overlooked.

I think an amazing artist is an artist that does stuff.

Someone who makes do with what they have and just..does it.

Constantly coming up with new things. Constantly working. Being creative.

Not necessarily following all the principles of a good design or having aesthetically pleasing colors (necessarily..) but being creative. Doing what they do.

I don't think my words are making a lot of sense..whatever.

上に見て。

2008-12-04T13:37:00.004-10:00

It seems the world has changed within the past few years.

Yeah, with global warming and stuff.

Well yeah, that too, but that's not my point.

The world is different.

The world around us. The world that is us. The world that consists of us people. You know, living here.

The world has become a lonely place. I don't know you anymore.

The world has become a scary place. Don't look at me.

The world has become a fun place. Let's go to my place after.

Yes?

No?

This place has changed. A person can be in a humongous city with hundreds of people but still be alone.

The world I once had a taste of was very friendly. I knew you. You knew me. Hey, I know that guy. Not all that well but I still do.

Hey there, how's it going. Hi I'm fine, thanks. Have a great day.

What beautiful children you have. Oh, thank you. s m i l e

Oops, I'm so sorry, are you ok? Oh yeah, it's no problem really, thanks.

Hm.

Why don't I see such kind words any more?

Where have all the cowboys gone? Doo doo.

What an after-taste this world has become.

So what part do I have in all of this?

Good question.

Let's become that taste I used to have.

Such a nice wholesome taste.

Let's be that hello, how are you. Let's be that smile.

Let's be that helpful hand there to pick you up.

That sounds good.

I think some people are in desperate need of those hands, those smiles, those kind words.

Some people don't have those hands. Some people think they're alone. Some people don't know they exist.

We do. I do. I guess I should let them know, huh?

I suppose so.

Let's do it.

Let's lift them up.

Starting

now.

oops.

2008-11-29T23:50:00.004-10:00

I can only hope that we aren't talking to walls.

Walls with faces.

Walls that fill our seats and insecurties.

Walls that carry us to the next empty pathway.

..

I lost my train of expression.

(No, I'm serious)

何だ？！

2008-11-29T16:55:00.002-10:00

Maybe I'm just crazy or something

But does your hand..or finger..or something ever get like suuuuper tingly? Like..super tingly. Like so much you can almost say it hurts. It's not like itchy....you didn't hit it or anything..it's like a nerve is acting up or something.

It's weird though cus I used to get it all the time when I thought about certain things..pretty specific kinds of things (heh, I guess that's what the word 'certain' means..)

Yeah but..I dunno. Right now my middle finger on my left hand is freaking out.

o_O ?

大人になる時間

2008-11-23T23:38:00.002-10:00

Work? Oh that's a job for one of those adults.

Responsibility? Oh, yeah. Adults have those kind of things.

Do what? That's not for me to do. Someone older will do it cus they know better than me.

Be WHO? Um, I think you've mistaken me for one of those older guys. Sorry.

...

I think I'm going to have to become one of those guys pretty soon..

Crap.

hitori de?

2008-10-25T23:59:00.003-10:00

by myself.

am I alone. is anyone there?

are you here?

yes.?

yes?.

well of course. but maybe.

i need someone.?

but. are you already here?

mou koko de kimasuka?

mou koko de imasuka?

Sometimes...most times actually, I find myself trying to find something..somebody to attach myself to. I need to find a place for myself. A heart holder. I'm eager to find a place for my heart. Is it here. Is it there. Is there it? But. Maybe I need to look somewhere else? I don't think I should have such an empty feeling spot in myself, even if what I'm looking for doesn't seem to be here. So then. Yeah, maybe I need to be looking in another direction. But..for some reason...something is keeping me from looking there. Am I scared? Am I uncertain? Faith? Is that the word I'm looking for?

I need to stop silently throwing myself at people. Throwing pieces of my heart into things I don't know anything about. Investing in false hopes. Where is my heart? Where am I? Where do I belong? What am I doing?

Where am I?

102408 5:08

2008-10-24T17:07:00.003-10:00

So..I'm eating beef jerky..

And my tooth..

It kind of hurts...

kind of..

But then..it kind of feels good.......

...

o_O..

It's time for this flower to blossom.

2008-09-25T21:50:00.003-10:00

この花が咲く時間だ。

じかんだ。。

見てよ。

But how do you not?

2008-09-17T22:59:00.002-10:00

How do you not get caught up with the flow of what's natural?

How do you fight against the current of this raging river?

Quit pressing so firmly against my heart. Covering my eyes. Blinding my soul.

Let me break away from this. This isn't the way home. Lead me home. Show me the way home.

Teach me to break through the current of this raging river.

Wedding Day Commitment

2008-09-16T22:34:00.004-10:00

So. A man meets a women. They spend time together. They fall in love.

On their wedding day, they're both so excited. The time comes to exchange their vows.

The preacher-man-guy turns to the women and asks all of the stuff, and after, the women says, "I do."

Then the preacher-man-guy turns to the man and asks all of the stuff. He looks at his soon-to-be wife and says, "Yes, I do."

"But let's not be too serious about this marriage thing."

"What?" Is probably what you're thinking. Not be too serious? What, is that guy dumb? That's what marriage is. Serious. A commitment.

We surely wouldn't be that way towards our wife/husband.

Though, sometimes I think it's pretty easy for us to say that to God through our lives.

"I love you and all but I don't wanna take this too seriously."

Hmmm..

:O

2008-09-12T23:00:00.005-10:00

I tripped the heck out when I saw this website: http://www.webleeddesign.com/

That HAS to go on my top 3 most creative things ever done on a website.

That is so like. omg.

Maybe for you non-designers/web-people it's just like "oh, yeah that's cool" I dunno. But for me it's so crazy :O <

*edit

top THREE?! how about top ONE! :O :O :O :O

この目 • k o n o m e

2008-09-03T00:32:00.002-10:00

Why..?

Why does my heart search so eagerly?

Why does my self seek such a thing so fervously?

How is it that my eyes can look from place to place so quickly just to lead me even deeper into darkness and pain?

Take control of yourself.

Let Him take control.

Cus that's definitely not it.

We both know it.

So let's stop this now..

Be patient.

Patient..

Close those eyes now..

Let's let these eyes close now..

顔 • k a o

2008-08-31T22:04:00.003-10:00

Hmm.

I've been thinking about my appearance alot lately...well, not like that's new or anything..

I noticed that I seriously look at myself everytime I walk past something with a reflection haha. I worry a lot about looking strange or dumb..or just how I don't want to look. I'm really self concious when I feel my hair's messed up (even though hardly anyone can tell or cares..), or when my pants are too baggy and the lay on my leg really weird or if there's a pimple or something strange on my face..etc. Besides that though, there's always a way I like to look..like I want to look like myself. like..'myself' whoever that may be. And whenever I don't look like 'myself', I feel really odd and I feel like everyone feels that odd feeling as well.

But I wonder..if it's not taking over my life..and if I'm not heavily effected by it, is it wrong to.."dress up"? I mean, lots of the clothes I wear...actually..ok. The reason why I wear certain clothes is because it's confortable, convenient, and I like how it makes me look. I don't care about what's "in" or what everyone thinks is cool, in fact, I try to stay away from stuff like that. I tend to not like what "everyone" is wearing. Nike..EVERYONE seems to be wearing DC now..vans...though some of those things may be nice, I just feel like me wearing it is telling everyone "I want to fit in"..but I just want to be me.

But what is 'me'? Think about this..who do we dress for? The purpose of clothes is to stay comfortable in certain types of weather..Though otherwise, we may just like things like..jackets have pockets in the front..that's like, the best hah. And w.e else stuff like that. But who do we dress for? If you weren't going to see a single person for a week..how would you dress?

You could go out naked for all anyone cared and it wouldn't make one difference. If no one saw us, what would we wear?

Who are we dressing for?

Hm..

Is it like a first impression thing? like.."well these people don't 'know' me so I'll give them a taste with how I dress" ..that seems like a valid reason..makes sense. It reminds me of putting up a face. Not necessarily in a bad way. I think almost everyone in this world puts up a face. When you see someone you're not particularly excited to see..of course it goes, "ooh hi! how are you doing? :D" with a big smile and squinty eyes to make them feel missed and whatnot. I do that too..But thinking about it..if I was TOTALLY m y s e l f . like, I didn't care about what that person thought about me or felt and I just wanted to be who I felt like being..I probably wouldn't even say anything to that person. And if I did I would just be like "hey what's up." in a neutral voice.

Hm..really makes me wonder.

I dunno what's wrong or right about any of this, I'm just writing. I dunno.

WRAH. hello.

Chocolate.

2008-07-31T02:03:00.003-10:00

I get sooooo freaking inspired late at night.

It's not even funny.

But now I must sleep.

Mata, ne...チョコレート.

But you'll be back.

2008-07-30T00:54:00.000-10:00

when I can take it.

End of the line.

2008-07-30T00:47:00.002-10:00

I'm stuck.

Stuck?

Yeah...stuck..

Do you know where you are?

End of the line...

connection's been cut short..

Such a long journey too..

Yeah..

So..I'm stuck..

Nowhere to go..

I'm looking out at this huge place. I see nothing.

Where to go?

It's the most important one.....but it's gone.

I need another to step along to. I need another. But no, not you.

Of course not you. I'm not going to take another false step. I'm going to wait until my remaining line comes around.

But for now..

I'm stuck.

..

max out.

2008-07-24T23:01:00.003-10:00

Just got back from watching America's Best Dance Crew Episode...6 I think.

Freak..it's really awesome seeing those guys do what they do out there. I love watching that show not just because of how cool the dancing looks or how pretty some of the girls are (...) but it's just really awesome seeing these crews give their hardest from week to week, improving going through hard times and despite everything giving it all they've got. It really inspires me when I see someone go aaalll out. Maxing out to their utmost potential. It inspires me soo much. Especially when it comes to art. And anyone who says dancing isn't aren't I promise you you're mistaken. Art to me is an expression of one's self, art is a person's personality shown through barious types of things. And if anything, dancing is one of the most direct (raw?) forms of expression. It's just being yourself.

(Anyway) It's just really cool seeing them up there..And the heart and the..the way they go about it being a competition...last night I was up super late (haha) watching like behind the scenes videos and stuff like that and you could see that all of the crews were like suuuuper cool with each other. You had some people from one team doing some other guys HAIR. Other people talking, hanging out. I was really surprised. Cus most of the time in situations like that you'd think it's like a..a COMPETITION right? So it's like "wrah, we're gonna beat you guys" but theyre totally cool with eachother. So ontop of them giving it their all, I don't even think theyre competing against the other crews, but theyre competing with their own selves, making sure they do their best.

I was really sad to see Supreme Soul lose. Not that I think another team deserved it or anything like that but, seeing someone try sooo hard and really give it their best to be met with the label of 'Failing' supposedly..it's so sad.

But anyone who runs into a situation like that should know that they did give it their all and they definately did not fail. Only person you should need to prove yourself to is yourself. Not America..not the judges, if you need to prove yourself to your friends, I don't know what kind of friends you've got. You're parents..do your best and they'll come around some day.

Wrah.

So inspiring.

LOVEIT.

Now I don't know who to vote for...fanny pak...soreal....D:

始まります・ h a j i m a r i m a s u

2008-07-05T13:11:00.006-10:00

So, I've been thinking lately..

Thinking is good, sometimes.

And as I'm thinking, I'm starting to realize how lazy I am..

I am a really lazy person.

Especially considering how determined and motivated I had been when I was younger..I really got into a lot of stuff. I would come home everyday after school (yeah, that doesn't happen anymore..) and sit at my computer animating or working on a website untill I went to sleep. I was always learning new stuff, getting into a variety of things. Now..I guess I've gotten so used to not being able to do those things (being busy with stuff) it's hard to me to stop and just consentrate on something..Hard to get enough motivation to stick with one thing. And there's so much stuff I can do too.

So now, even though it's summer, I wake up and I'm sitting here at my desk for seriously the whole day..but I never really get much done.

So I've decided. きめたんだ！I've decided to stop being a lazy fool and do what needs to be done. I've got a lot of potential to do a lot of things and a lot of expectations but I'm not gonna get anywhere going the speed I am. And I've got a lot of catching up to do as well..

So that's that.
こちらは「ジャストデぃュイット」のはじめ。

Lost.

2008-06-25T12:33:00.002-10:00

Disheartening.

That's the word that comes to mind.

Thats the feelings laying accross my chest.

When the one thing you've put your everything into. Your biggest hopes. Your complete trust. You're everything.

When the one and only thing you've given your life to walks away from you.when the one and only thing tells you, 'sorry, you've got the wrong person.' ..when the one and only thing drops you half way and continues on its way..

Disheartening.

That's the pressure laying across my chest.

In a search for truth..answers come from every direction. Answers wrong. Answers right. Answers left, even.

It's hard to see through those left answers. Through those wrong answers. When they make so much sense. How could it not be? But hold on. It makes absolutely no sense. That's not right..

So much confusion about something I thought I knew so well. Something I'd die for. Something I'd live for. Where have you gone? Or is it..where have I gone?

Where am I?

Laying in a desert. Laying in a field with flowers. Turned to dust. Laying in a forest, shielded by the tall trees that stretch to the sky. Turned to nothing.

Where am I?

Where are you..?

Save me.

Cus right now..

I'm just

A fork in the sea.

2008-05-19T01:23:00.002-10:00

Oh so far, have I come, from that place I knew as trouble.

Never could have seen what lied ahead from that point in time.

I've come a long way just to find another stretch.

A shortage of wind has left me drifting ... drifting.

With storms of intensity and struggles from every direction.

I've done what I can do. I've traveled through the course.

To find myself at this point.

It's me against the world. What is the world.

It's me in my boat. What a boat. Raft.

Direction.

Something I could use.

There's two ways. Two paths. Two ends.

..really?

A fork in the sea?

Is that what I'm looking at..?

...how so?

D:

what?

..that doesn't even make sense..

ok.

How about I do this with You.

Cus I don't have a clue as to what's going on. Not like I ever did but right now this..isn't even something I can understand.

So I'll just cling on. Lead me to where I find You. Where I find myself. Where I find love.

Take me to where I will reconnect. Re-establish. Rebuild.

Lead me to a resolution.

WINDPICKUP!

I want to

2008-05-18T14:09:00.000-10:00

ART.

CRY.

LOVE.

Clean this mess up.

Clean myself up.

Clear this mind.

Clear this battle field.

LIVE.

I want to.

me wo akete, ima wa toki da, toki ga kita

2008-05-04T22:36:00.000-10:00

Yeah well..

I guess it is important for me not to look at us from the standards of another,

But from the eyes of it's owner. Though it gives me a strange feeling..

I guess I have to not be selfish and absolutely have to get my problem fixed but instead, make it so that there is no problem and make a goal to reach. Not the goal of another's success, but my own.

Help me see. Help me walk through these blinding covers.

open my eyes.

but its really hard you know.

..

新生活 • s h i n s e i k a t s u

2008-04-25T00:05:00.000-10:00

I'm gonna cry when my first child is born...

I know it.

Life..as confusing as it is is something really amazing..

And to think that this new life is something you were greatly apart of.

Your offspring...

This is me. this is 'us.' Together.

...

I'm going to cry.

LOVE w o r k .

2008-04-22T21:10:00.000-10:00

So.

For the past few weeks (to a month ish,) I've been browsin around, wasting time like I'm so good at doing..

And I'm seeing so many inspiring things. A group of artists working together to put up shows, using what God gave them to spread love in the cracks and corners overlooked in this world. Sooo many organizations contributing greatly to communities getting people involved in a simple way. Designers working humbly to give God glory..

I get so inspired seeing these things. I get so many ambitions and ideas..I want to use what I have for a good purpose. I want to use my art to show God's love around the world.

I want to describe the feeling I have in me right now but all I can express is "omg." It's such an intense feeling. I want to do something NOW.

I just pray that God lets this passion in me grow and be used in an awsome way.

period 4 scribble [2]

2008-04-10T23:46:00.001-10:00

It's weird how much certain things can influence feelings..

Feelings..the things that are supposedely what we're to be following are giving into peer pressure.

Thoughts, truth, wisdon, discerment, desires, feelings.

Can it all be fit into one idea?

できるかな。。。

period 4 scribble [1]

2008-04-10T23:43:00.001-10:00

The Rain.
Where am I?
I'm not with you.
What should I think? How should I feel?
I know not much about the situation..
But let that have no importance.
The knowledge may not be for me at the moment
What I do know is where I want to be..

lead me to what You bring..

let me be with you.

lead me to the rain.

問題　•　m o n d a i

2008-03-31T00:15:00.000-10:00

100 percent divided by two.

You get two 100 percents.

..

Yeah...that doesn't work.

感情 • k a n j y o u [short ver.]

2008-03-22T08:37:00.001-10:00

Slip. Into the ocean.

A deep splash. Looking up at hope. It's just out of my reach. Come here, you. Swim towards the light. What an attempt...what a way to break an attempt. Thrown deeper into the darkness by something unseen and unexpeected. A struggle. Tossing and turning trying to distinguish top from bottom. Swim with all you've got. Which direction? Just swim. Gotta get out. Another blow. Pounded from all directions. Getting thrown further and further away from hope. Come back...

No breath, no life. Where am I? This water is as intense as ever. There's a storm above. Effecting the ocean below, sending me everywhere but where I need to be. I need help. Flipping in every direction, gasping for air, intense pressure on my body, on my lungs, on my mind. Still being blasted over and over again.

It calms down. I'm stationary. Hope is lost..I can't see it anymore. But this..what..light? Light! This light...feels so warm..stay. No. Darkness takes its place once again.

One solid crack and I'm up against the ground. I can't move. Can't feel my legs..cant feel my arms..can't feel my heart....I wish I couldn't feel pain. Demo, mada aru. I lay on the ocean floor. Numb and fatigued as I've ever been. Get me out already....no. I give up. All I can do is lay here. I can't see the light anymore. I can't feel what I wish for anymore. Hope left.

I sit.

I die.

I open my eyes. What? The floor is gone. I still can't feel....wait. I'm floating? I'm rising up. The intense blows have weakend. Maybe I'm just still numb. ...Either way I'm floating. To the top..

I'm coming. Waves, calm yourselves. I'm making my way up. Slowly..but surely. I'll be on top.

感情 • k a n j y o u

2008-03-22T01:25:00.000-10:00

The ocean.

Looks interesting enough.

Nice blue waves..fish..etc.

Take a look.

One false step. Gasp. A plunge into the deep water.

Where am I?

I look up, see the surface of the water. Just a little accident. I'll be up in no time.

Wait, this is kind of hard. What's going on?

I look up, the surface is a bit further than the last time, it seems, I'm falling in deeper.

Something to be worried about. My body feels fatigued. I'm about 20 feet under. It's getting darker.

K, calm down, things are fine. Let me just make my way up to the top. K, I'm going up. Surface is getting closer. I can see the sun shining from the other side.

Almost there.

Take a look to my left. whatsthat?itscomingfastSWEEP

I got knocked away. I'm spinning around, which way do I swim? I'm running out of breath.

I feel heavier. I'm far down.

d a m e.

k, stop spinning, stop spinning. K. what just happened? I can barely see the top anymore..

..the light is dim. my breath. no, just go. I push my hardest to get back to the top. FWOOSH.

I just got knocked around again. Are you kidding me? Shoot.

Ah! Again. What is this? NO. Swim back to the top. I don't know which way the top is. Just swim. Swim.

ERGH! I'm getting beat up down here. What happened?

I just tripped and fell into the water and now I'm getting attacked by who the heck knows what.

I still see the surface. I can see the light blue color near the top.

PACK!

Well there goes everything. I've been knocked down too far......somehow I can tell on the surface theres a storm. Strong winds, my boat on top is being knocked around just about as much as I am.

But I'm near the bottom of the ocean now. Maybe. I guess. Breath....what breath? Right now, there's no such thing. It's as dark as dark has ever been.

Swimming in any direction seems pointless now. Hah! Swimming. Who can even think of such a thing right now. I can't swim. I'm stuck. Floating to the bottom of the ocean, if I'm not there already.

sinking.

....what.

no. freak you have to be kidding.

Ah jeez. Hit again. Blow after blow coming from every direction. What is this? I'm screwed already. Help me.

Hope. Dangles on a string? no......Hope. Right now that's something that I want to hold on to but wth. Where's hope when you're being pounded by these intense freaking...well, when your being pounded intensely.

Struggling for air, struggling for life. I can't see you. miemasen desu yo.

I can't see crap. But HOPE. FREAK! HOPE! Where did you go.

...

Ok. Well I'm still down here. How am I even alive?

The blows..have stopped..for now? Freak, how could there even be more. So I'm just here..wherever here is, hoping I somehow get pulled out.

Oh my gosh....no wait..what is that? Is that light? I see light. Ohh my gosh that light. It feels so...ah jeez. That's the most comforting thing I've felt in a long time.

Wait no........don't..go.

..it's dark.

kurai da.

Maybe I'm supposed to have seen something? I must have seen it by now.....now please get me out?

ACK

Ah! What is this? This. oh man. I don't even know what's going on. I've been smacked so hard and now I know I'm at the bottom of the ocean....I've just been slammed into it.

But freak. I'm just numb right now. I didn't know I could go this far and live. I'm alive. ....why?...how? I should be sitting in my boat, awaiting the arrival to the other side. But I'm sitting at the bottom of the ocean...rather, laying..I can't move.

..

I've become numb.

So I'll just sit here. I'll just sit. Forever? Freak, I don't know. I'm so numb to everything right now. Can't feel pain..can't be happy? what? I'm in so much pain my body is getting used to it..I don't think this can possibly get worse.

stuck.

I die.

open my eyes.

I'm floating.

Don't feel the ocean floor.

Gasp. another one, coming straight for me. I brace myself.

..I'm ok. I didn't get knocked like before...it hurt a bit but......hey wait. I'm floating. Upwards.

I'm....moving up..

The storm above is calming. My boat is becoming a bit more steady..so is the sea.

I can barely feel anything. Numb again..? Maybe better though.

I still can barely move. But these blows don't kill me like they used to.

The hits are less. I see life again.

I don't know how...but I'm moving up. I'm slowly making my way up.

Ocean, calm yourself. I'm coming. Slowly but surely.

I'll be on top soon.

Just wait.

I'll be on top.

芸術 • g e i j u t s u

2008-03-18T17:14:00.000-10:00

What is art?

I see art everywhere.

Is it a pencil sketch on a piece of paper?

Coated brisles brushing up against a canvas?

An array of paint being sprayed on a wall?

or maybe

the plucking and strumming of multiple strings making what we call music.

sticks tapping surfaces to a beat making different sounds and tones.

or simply a voice projecting itself strongly into the ears of an audience.

I see art everywhere.

Is it the way one's foot slams a piece of wood into the ground and then gracefully flicks the other across the surface making a formation of some sort in mid air?

or is it nature..

is it life flowing through a leaf, through a vine, through an organism.

is it the growth of a seed, forming into a beautiful creature standing tall, reaching in every direction.

is it the sun revealing itself through clouds, across the sky, shining so brightly.

What is art?

The way a person's mind grasps and understands the world around it, receiving information, collecting data and forming all into one idea.

the way an open wound heals itself, knowing exactly what needs to be done, making the body perform as it should.

What is art?

I see Art everywhere.

Kayoubi no Asa

2008-02-26T07:39:00.001-10:00

N-102.

before school.

I sit, browsing random websites on the computer, wishing the first bell wouldn't ring causing me to go to my first period.

Sitting.

thinking about the rest of the day. So many things.

crossing through my head.

Worries, concerns, possibilities, probabilities, hope, doubt, fantasy, confusion, revelation.

Hmm.

hmm...

You know what gives a really odd feeling to think about?

Me, right now, typing this blog. That's going to be gone in a day.

what?

I mean.

You, reading this right now is going to be nothing but a memory in a few years, if even that. Me, sitting in this room waiting for school to start with tamura trying to figure stuff out on his computer and joel searching through his bag. This whole moment. What is it going to be when I'm 25, sitting in an office and working on a project?

Hmm.

Who knows.

Omoi

2008-02-02T23:18:00.000-10:00

The third time he said to him, "Simon son of John, do you love me?"
Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, "Do you love me?" He said, "Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you."

Do I really love you?

That's what I ask myself..

I want to be able to say in confidence, "You know I love you." Not because everyone around me is saying it. Not because it's part of the lyrics of a song I like. But because I truely, honestly do.

I want to love. I want to love with all of my whole being. But..not only what does that look like..but am I even ready to surrender myself to that? Sometimes I feel really..bad..cus it seems that I'm not even willing to give my whole heart to God. I feel like I'll only give as much as what's comfortable. And I'll even go beyond that. But it's really difficult to give ALL. I want to...that's for sure..cus I know what God has for me is soo much greater than what I or the world can give myself. I want to give my whole heart to God. Something that's so..so great and wonderful. I just want to want to with all my heart as well...

But..what's great is that God doesn't want to keep that heart from me. The heart that is willing to give everything. God has it for me and all I need to do is ask right?

I know God's hand is reaching out, I just need to meet him halfway.

Hmm..

Let my heart love.

1.31.08

2008-01-31T21:57:00.000-10:00

period one.

eight forteen.

I sit..

Half waiting for class to start.
Half waiting for class to end.

Soco amaretto Lime's playing again.

I sit.

Freek. I'm tired.

alg 2

-------

thursday. No period two

-------
period three

Yet again. period 3
.

sit. draw. sit. draw..sit...

listening to music doesn't help block out those freshmen girls that don't seem to ever stop talking.

but I try anyway...day after day...

Well here I am..sitting..

20 more minutes..

nine forty three...

drawing and painting.

-------

recess

wow. I'm pretty hungry.

gotta walk all the way to the cafe.

dodging kids left and right, even below.

freek, can't you people see?

chicken D:

well..chicken...but no. this is nasty chicken.

A friend's worries..my own worries.

so much to think about.

...and it's only ten twenty.

-------

period four

Oh, yes! Mrs. Nunotani!

One of the funnest subs 3V4R!!!

YES! Frankenstein!

We even get to watch a movie! HOLY GEEZE!

......this kind of sucks.

so I sit some more. (I should get paid for sitting. 10 bucks an hour please.)

listening to people whisper.

wonder about things..

worry about things..

I draw to keep myself ammused.

Go lead, go!

ten thirty seven.

...or maybe I'll just sleep.

-------

period five

one o' seven

actually 6th period.

wasureta.

sat some more. learned? eh...maybe not.

um..planned with my partner..

sorry chris S: had to go with someone else.

um..yeah.

japanese.

-------

period six

one fifty one.

last period of the day.

once again, more sitting. (how much is that already?)

chillin with behic in the back.

'expressing' myself on a blank notecard.

shoot..I want 'after school' to last forever.

Well, depending on what that's gonna be..

what I hope for?

hmm..I guess I'll see..

six minutes left.

day's over.

1.31.08

(after school? yeah. wasn't what I hoped for.)

シャボン玉と雨 Soapbubbles and Rain. Sit.

2008-01-28T17:53:00.000-10:00

Hm..

Today was interesting.

Monday..short school day as always.

My body is really sore right now. Me and David went to 24 [hr fitness] saturday night at like 12:30..so technically Sunday morning. Whatever.

We had a prayer meeting after school. Well...."after school" We came back to school from Walmart around 2:30 to find Angela, Elizabeth, Amy, and Kathleen sitting under the tree inbetween O and N building. Guess we're having the meeting outside. I was heecck of tired so I sat..and layed down, half asleep...

Mostly because of my un-awake self..for the rest of the day I was in a really interesting mood. A mood you could almost describe as emo..except not. It was like...an indie mood...calm...chill...ish kind of mood. I was still, of course really tired.

So..I sat. Soco Amaretto Lime kept playing in my head, so I played it loud on my ipod, with my earphones hanging from my shirt. I sat and watched alot of nothing happening. Sat..while Angela talked to Amy and Kathleen continued to laugh every now and then watching The Office on Beth's ipod...and Elizabeth and Amy were going crazy over the bubbles that David bought on semi-accident. I sat. I sat under the tree, watching. Eventually I was left with Angela fiddling her phone and Kathleen still laughing and watching. It began to rain....hm..rain. 'If you guys wanna go inside thats fine' is what I was thinking..I wanted to keep sitting..watching as God filled the empty space in the air with drops of water. I layed back looking up at the sky through the branches and leaves. Watching as the rain drops tapped my face making me squint. I'd never experienced that before..I honestly couldnt help myself from smiling. It was really neat seeing rain from that view. So Here We Are - Bloc Party. Playing on my phone..the only song I've got since I want to wait untill I get the USB cord for it to just transfer songs instead of having to buy songs I've already got.

I love the rain.

w o n ' t y o u s i t w i t h m e ?

kochira こちら

2008-01-15T20:24:00.000-10:00

Actually,

This is where I am.
This is what I am.

...

This doesnt seem to be in that spot..

Dang.

I look here and it doesn't seem to have that..

Why is that?

That's so different. Let's work.

No good..

Shoot.

.

But wait. Stop for a second..

Actually,

This is where I am.
This is what I am.

Let's work from there.

But you know what?

2007-11-17T17:39:00.000-10:00

God wants all of me.

And who better deserves it, than Him?

Shall we?

dou desuka?

2007-11-15T20:02:00.000-10:00

Don't really know what to think..

how to think.

Where is it that I'm going exactly?

Where am I being led?

..could I even be leading myself?

Should I think towards or in the opposite direction?

I want to know..

Should I want?

I wanna see..

Should I see?

Where do I need to be?

The steps I'm taking need to be watched closely.

Who's watching?

Have I passed the test?

I wish for this.

What do I wish for?

alot.

I wish for much.

WRAH!

What to do?

Do.

2007-11-15T00:11:00.000-10:00

written 10/15/07 (October 15, 2007)

There's a feeling..

such a deep feeling. deep.

feeling that..something's not..correct.

feeling.

..so discontent..I'm discontent..
with my performance.

Feel as if I'm giving so little.
so little.

God expects more.

let me be one who lives to serve.
lives to love.
lives to follow.
let me do.
let me do everything.
let me do everything I can.
let me give.
let me give my all.

BEST LAMB!

BEST.

Yume.

2007-11-11T07:17:00.000-10:00

Had a party thing...

people were over..

something about a bathroom? I dunno.

were at walmart/festival thing.

bought little pokemon figures with candy or somewhat inside.

bought alot.

tanoshikatta

walked around.

she was in the bathroom for a long time.

dad was waiting to pick me up.

darn.

finally came out.

deta.

//edit

oh. wasureta

nolan, controller. numbers.

OH.

agent people. something about love.

something about some guy.

uh..

escalators.

building.

Yeayuh. Random.